Scan Day

Yesterday was "Scan Day". I wanted to post but unfortunately became bogged down in work - such an exhausting day that saw me in bed by 8pm. Hence no blogging.
I spent basically the whole day working myself up to drinking 1.5 litres of water, and not being able to relieve myself was torture. I then had to keep reminding myself that I have another 8 months or so of this kind of uncomfort and fear of wetting myself.
My appointment was at 4pm so at 2:30 on the dot, I went and emptied my bladder and then started my marathon chugging. Now I am not a huge fan of water so this for me was quite difficult. All I could think about was gross things, like toilet water. I was just making it difficult for myself, but I couldn't stop. Again, I had to remind myself that for the next 8 months or so, I am going to have to ingest and drink things I usually don't or I dislike. Not for me, but for the little life growing inside me. Just part of being a parent - putting your child before yourself, I suppose.
I sat at my desk at work drinking glass after glass. So far so good. It wasn't until I stood up to leave for the appointment that I felt my bladder warning me it was about to explode if I didn't cut it some slack NOW.
It didn't help that it was raining outside. You know when you turn the shower or tap on, and the running water sends a secret message to your bladder and all of a sudden you have to pee? Mother Nature just had to turn on the waterworks then, didn't she. I still didn't go to the toilet though. But I must have looked terribly stupid driving, clutching at the wheel and leaning forward like the granny drivers do. Each time I felt the overpowering urge to pee, the car would accelerate and lurch forward as I did my best to hold it in.
When I got to the radiology clinic, I had a feeling I may not have had enough to drink. They had a water filter there so I started drinking again. 5 minutes had passed since I was suppose to have my appointment and they needed to get their shit together fast, otherwise there was going to be problems that would require a mop. I told the receptionist I was in pain and asked how far away the sonographer was. Not long, 2 minutes later she called me in. This lady was all about getting down to business and before I knew it she was adding to my pain and fear of humiliating myself by pressing down with the scanner thing.
Nothing on screen. For a while there I thought I must be having a pregnancy. She wasn't much help, hardly speaking 2 words to me and getting her head in the way of the screen so I couldn't see. I was leaning my neck from side to side to hint I couldn't see, but she really didn't give a rats. I asked her where the baby was, getting a bit worried now. All good, too soon to see anything as baby is currently only 2mm in length. I questioned her about if everything is looking normal so far, and it is. I wish I could have seen more than a sac that looked empty, but I will have to wait another 6 weeks.
As soon as she was done I was in the toilet so fast. I haven't ran that fast in a looooooooong time. OMG that feeling of relief was amazing. I was loving that toilet.
I went to pay, and thinking the sonographer had forgotten to give me a photo of my sac I'd asked for, I asked the receptionist. She checked with the sonographer, and I can imagine them having a laugh about me asking for a photo of something I can't see, because she said "she told you there is nothing to see yet so why do you want a photo, we don't understand..."
Who was I to argue back. The waiting room was packed full of people, it was humiliating enough she came back with a response like that, without me trying to explain I wanted to put it on my blog. I would have looked like a real nutter. So as well as me waiting 6 weeks for a photo, the blog will have to wait too.
To know the baby is so far developing well and everything looks normal is enough for me.

So according to the scan results, we can expect baby's arrival on.........

Friday 25^th January 2013!

Riding the Rollercoaster of a "Positive" Result

I'm a rather skeptical person and I was never one to believe that people "just know" things relating to their health or their bodies. I had a friend who told me her Monthly Visitor would sync with whoever she was around most frequently and I thought it was a load of BS (sorry babe).
BUT - I stand corrected now I have experienced it myself. I just knew I was up the duff. I went to breakfast with a girlfriend for my birthday about a week before I found out and told her I felt "funny". Also being an impatient person and not like being in limbo, I couldn't wait until I missed my Monthly Visitor (let's call her MV) and it also did not help I couldn't remember the date of my last MV. Which in turn means I couldn't be sure when she was due. Therefore, I opted for a blood test. My second one in the space of 5 months for the exact same reason, mind you. Do not leave men in charge of contraception. It just does not work.
So off I went to the doctor who kindly listed my results as urgent. The beginning of denial of what is going on, I also want to talk about contraception as 2 strikes now means it is clear this is YET ANOTHER thing I have to be in charge of. 
At the blood test I had a good bitch about men with the phlebotomist, with more denial creeping in.
Back at home it was another normal evening, being Wednesday my fiance went to kickboxing and I went about my usual business. I was relaxing on my bed when my doctor's phone number started flashing up on the screen and any sliver of hope I had that this was just another "scare" was gone. He had told me to call the next morning at 7:30am for the results. Him calling now, at 7:20pm could mean only one thing.
I wish I could say I felt like jumping up and down and shouting it from the rooftops like it is "supposed to be", but everything went fuzzy. I couldn't speak, I couldn't look at my daughter, I just wanted to cry and absolutely throttle my fiance.
Because I promised an honest blog, honesty is what you will get. Now we have made our decision, it is hard to admit this and especially type it out, because it feels so raw. We had decided last year that Princess 1 was the only child we would have, and it was a decision we felt happy with and that was the end of it. At the time, I had an IUD that was going to last another 5 years but it came out of place and I developed an infection, had it removed, and decided to put some responsibility on my fiance.
So in all honesty, we did not feel ready for another child. Each day we would change our mind, swing from one thing to another and feeling like shit for whatever we were thinking.
I went back to the doctor for more information, like how far along I was for example. Frankly this doctor was quite useless. I felt very much that he was biased toward terminating the pregnancy, any pregnancy mind you, and I believe this helped me in making the right decision - continuing with the pregnancy. Looking back, I really don't think I could do that anyway. How would I be able to look at my daughter and not feel immense guilt? She is such a beautiful soul and it is hard not to imagine this baby being just like her/his big sister.
My feelings now as it is are hard to deal with, admitting what I have and a part of me dreads when I see the baby for the first time the guilt I will hold then. I need to let it go. We made the right decision now and one that as each day goes by, the feelings of excitement grow.
A great part of this post was spent while with my friend and colleague, who shall be known for now as Resource Queen (RQ). She sent me the below soon after discussing this post, which I felt was quite fitting to the topic. Leaving on a happy, positive note: tomorrow is my dating scan (have to have a dating scan seeing as my doctor couldn't give me an accurate date) and I will update with another blog with the exciting news. xo

Introduction & Why's

Seeing as I have already been through this exciting, beautiful and at times rather disgusting stage of life, I had the brilliant (?) idea of starting a blog and sharing my journey with you. I'll start with introducing myself a little, albeit at this stage anonymously. I have just turned 24, live in a beautiful part of Australia and am blessed with an amazing and devoted fiancé and we have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. I also work full time in a job I have a love-hate relationship with...more on that later. Part of the reason I have started this blog is looking back when I was pregnant with Princess 1, I wish I had recorded more and photographed more. Her being my first child, I'd say it is a regret of mine (not blogging or photographing my growing belly - not the actual child!) and I swore if I ever had another one I'd be OTT. I have many fond memories of my pregnancy with Princess 1 and also some funny and some I'd rather forget for example passing wind whilst on my way to the ground passing out in front of a store full of people. I vividly remember being in labour like it was yesterday - yes, ladies, it is NOT true what they say. You will NOT forget the searing pain of contractions so bad you wish someone would walk through the door with a shotgun so you will be put out of your misery. So please don't be deceived! Another memory that springs to mind is running (well, the best I could do at running carrying a kicking watermelon around) out of the birthing class in pure panic and disbelief after viewing the video of the lady giving birth. Adamant that was NOT something I or my body could pull off - now here I am newly pregnant again. How will I handle these fears and situations now? Am I experienced now I have successfully reared one child, or will I still be going in blind? We will soon find out. Tonight I am feeling creative and inspired, so let's do this!