I'm a rather skeptical person and I was never one to believe that people "just know" things relating to their health or their bodies. I had a friend who told me her Monthly Visitor would sync with whoever she was around most frequently and I thought it was a load of BS (sorry babe).
BUT - I stand corrected now I have experienced it myself. I just knew I was up the duff. I went to breakfast with a girlfriend for my birthday about a week before I found out and told her I felt "funny". Also being an impatient person and not like being in limbo, I couldn't wait until I missed my Monthly Visitor (let's call her MV) and it also did not help I couldn't remember the date of my last MV. Which in turn means I couldn't be sure when she was due. Therefore, I opted for a blood test. My second one in the space of 5 months for the exact same reason, mind you. Do not leave men in charge of contraception. It just does not work.
So off I went to the doctor who kindly listed my results as urgent. The beginning of denial of what is going on, I also want to talk about contraception as 2 strikes now means it is clear this is YET ANOTHER thing I have to be in charge of.
At the blood test I had a good bitch about men with the phlebotomist, with more denial creeping in.
Back at home it was another normal evening, being Wednesday my fiance went to kickboxing and I went about my usual business. I was relaxing on my bed when my doctor's phone number started flashing up on the screen and any sliver of hope I had that this was just another "scare" was gone. He had told me to call the next morning at 7:30am for the results. Him calling now, at 7:20pm could mean only one thing.
I wish I could say I felt like jumping up and down and shouting it from the rooftops like it is "supposed to be", but everything went fuzzy. I couldn't speak, I couldn't look at my daughter, I just wanted to cry and absolutely throttle my fiance.
Because I promised an honest blog, honesty is what you will get. Now we have made our decision, it is hard to admit this and especially type it out, because it feels so raw. We had decided last year that Princess 1 was the only child we would have, and it was a decision we felt happy with and that was the end of it. At the time, I had an IUD that was going to last another 5 years but it came out of place and I developed an infection, had it removed, and decided to put some responsibility on my fiance.
So in all honesty, we did not feel ready for another child. Each day we would change our mind, swing from one thing to another and feeling like shit for whatever we were thinking.
I went back to the doctor for more information, like how far along I was for example. Frankly this doctor was quite useless. I felt very much that he was biased toward terminating the pregnancy, any pregnancy mind you, and I believe this helped me in making the right decision - continuing with the pregnancy. Looking back, I really don't think I could do that anyway. How would I be able to look at my daughter and not feel immense guilt? She is such a beautiful soul and it is hard not to imagine this baby being just like her/his big sister.
My feelings now as it is are hard to deal with, admitting what I have and a part of me dreads when I see the baby for the first time the guilt I will hold then. I need to let it go. We made the right decision now and one that as each day goes by, the feelings of excitement grow.
A great part of this post was spent while with my friend and colleague, who shall be known for now as Resource Queen (RQ). She sent me the below soon after discussing this post, which I felt was quite fitting to the topic. Leaving on a happy, positive note: tomorrow is my dating scan (have to have a dating scan seeing as my doctor couldn't give me an accurate date) and I will update with another blog with the exciting news. xo
No comments:
Post a Comment